


little by little

by spacecleavage



Category: Sanditon (2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: Canon, F/M, Post 1x06, Sidney's POV, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 14:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20875667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacecleavage/pseuds/spacecleavage
Summary: "Sidney Parker had spent the better part of his adult life perfecting the ability to be completely aloof to all his surroundings, while missing nothing. But one little slip of a girl… woman, had managed to completely undo his aloof mask and lay him bare on multiple occasions."Sidney’s pov before they head back to Sanditon





	little by little

**Author's Note:**

  * For [candid59](https://archiveofourown.org/users/candid59/gifts).

> back again, what is this show doing to me?
> 
> can be read alone or with my other fic recommended to be consumed with a glass of wine (i’ve got a syrah with me at the moment).
> 
> my other little note before the fic, prompts are tentatively open, i will try my best but i make no promises

Sidney Parker had spent the better part of his adult life perfecting the ability to be completely aloof to all his surroundings, while missing nothing. Take his walks around Sanditon for example, to the common person it would merely look like the eligible middle Parker brother was out for another stroll, perhaps after imbibing too much at the local tavern, when in actuality his temper had most likely flared at an off remark from his companions and he was using such an opportunity to study the progress that had been made on the terraces, he also noticed how few labourers that seemed to be milling around. It was these quiet little things that he noticed, the way someone held their breath a moment too long, or the angle of someone’s head as they spoke, that allowed him to make little conclusions based on his not inconsiderable life experiences. Which led to him appearing to be aloof, but one of the most well informed gentlemen in London, and indeed what made him so very good at his work.

All that being said, one little slip of a girl… woman, had managed to completely undo his aloof mask and lay him bare on multiple occasions.He flushed with embarrassment when he thought about the flash of temper she had brought about when he had found Otis with Georgiana. Embarrassment not only at the way he had drawn the attention of every person around them, nor just at his harsh treatment of her. But the fact that it had happened at all was embarrassing. While he was inclined to go into an argument all guns blazing, to actually yell? To scream and shout as if he was nothing more than a petulant child? He had drunk a whole bottle of port by himself trying to drown out that memory.

Charlotte Heywood though, Charlotte had the ability to bring it out in him, and not just the negative emotions that he kept in tight control, but the positive ones too, the ones he had kept so tightly bound that he was not even sure he had still had them. Even the memory of her playing with his nieces, particularly in his brother’s house, Tom’s pleading had faded away as he had watched her normally attractive face change to blindingly beautiful with a simple smile, had a smile pulling at his own lips even now. He thought about how foolishly he had let those positive emotions rule his decision to come back.

If he had only steeled his heart, then perhaps he would have not come back to find Otis and Georgiana together, and his trust in Miss Heywood would not have been broken. But where would that have left them? Perhaps he would have back to the cricket match only, and instead of Miss Heywood fawning over that young Mister Stringer she would have been with him, teasing him about watching him play, daring him to play for her. Then instead of the cold distain he had shown her after winning, he could have smiled at her and maybe she would have smiled back, his heart seemed to clench at the thought of it. Georgiana would not have felt the need to sneak off to see Otis, so he could have stayed and basked in the triumph of their win, for it had been their win, after Tom had sulked off. Perhaps later he would have asked her to go on a walk with him, or even a picnic, somewhere he could have had all her attention, all her smiles.

He exhaled sharply, dwelling on the past or way things would be different would do him no good. His experience with Eliza had taught him that all too well.

Eliza… he had definitely not expected to see her at the party. Seeing her, speaking to her it was like he was a young man of nineteen all over again. But he was not that man, he could never go back to a time before she had broken his heart so completely. It was without a doubt, one of the worst things to ever happen to him and simultaneously one of the best. It had broken his heart, utterly destroyed it he had thought, but it was also the catalyst for everything in his life after. If not for it, he would most likely still be living in his brother’s shadow, at his beck and call for everything to do with Sanditon. Instead, Sidney Parker was a man of means, had a house in London, was asked to important parties with important people. It was the life that any parent would want for their child, especially his mother.

He could almost hear her voice, telling him a story before he went to sleep, a young man who started out as nothing, with nothing, but who rose above all the evil things around him to become a knight, off defeating dragons and rescuing maidens. The story of course ended with a happily ever after, the knight riding off with the fair maiden he had rescued. Looking back on it, he could tell the important parts that his mother had wanted for him, the happily ever after she envisioned for all her children. She had done well with Tom and Mary; her next project would have been him. She would have cajoled him into settling down with someone. Even if he had denied her vehemently, had taken on more licentious behaviour to drive her away, she would have begged, borrowed and stolen to get things her way.

He idly wondered what his mother would think of Miss Heywood.

_“She’s a good young woman. Headstrong and stubborn for sure, but you need someone like that to counteract your own pigheadedness. Pretty too, think of what handsome babies you would make.”_

His imagination had clearly escaped from him today. He took a long drag from the cigarette that had been dangling precariously from his fingers, settling further back into his chair.

His mind unsurprisingly went back to Miss Heywood, his mind’s eye lingering on her body. How delectably scrumptious she had looked last night; her golden gown has silhouetted her figure perfectly and brought a warmth to her skin that he didn’t know she was lacking. Indeed, the base wanton part of him lingered on cleavage, the way it had looked as she panted after their dance. It whispered to him about how she would look when she was in the midst of pleasure and wondering what sweet noises she would make in the dark.

He bit the inside of his lips sharply to repress the thoughts. It was most ungentlemanly and would only lead him back to his morning predicament.

Oh, how she tempted him. He knew he still had those desires, but most women tended not to bring out that side of him. In fact, at the rate that Miss Heywood was going, she was going to completely destroy all his carefully constructed walls, and all that would be left was him.

Perhaps that was what she wanted, to undo him at every turn. He knew that if she exposed him again, found some part of him that he had thought dead, he would lose himself to her completely.

His mind’s eye conjured her lips next, full and pouting ever so slightly as they had been after their dance and then later in the carriage…

No! He was in control; he controlled all his emotions, just as he had these past long years. He had just been stressed, yes that was it. He was stressed which was impacting on the tight leash he kept on his emotions. Miss Heywood had no control over him. None whatsoever.

When he opened his eyes, set on his resolve, there she was. She looked almost angelic with the morning light pouring through the open curtains behind her, her sheer sleeves almost invisible in the bright light and her brown overdress almost a dark red.

She opened her mouth to speak and before he knew what came over him, he was out of his chair, bowing to her, with a smile on his face. A smile only she seemed to bring out in him.

_Well, damn it!_

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](www.spacecleavage.tumblr.com)
> 
> let me know what you think


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